<< /:Date:_15-09-2021//:11:48P.M. ◦ >>

- Dear Kat,

- I haven't felt this bad since 2019 when I last got admitted to the mental hospital. There's no one here I can really socialise with except the janitor who's a pretty cool guy, we talked about music yesterday.

- Anyways nothing particularly interesting happened today except some guy told a rather offensive joke at breakfast and all of the staff got mad at him which was pretty funny even though I do feel kinda bad for the guy. I spent most of my time in my room and I came to the realisation that no matter where I go l'll always be like this and nothing will ever change. I actually feel worse here than at home. No one has visited me for days, the only people who visited me were my parents.

- It's now 23:46 so I should wrap it up before the staff comes in again because I'm supposed to be sleeping. Today was the worst and I have never felt more alone but at least writing in this diary makes me feel a little better...█

<< /:Date:_19-01-2019//:08:48P.M. ◦ >>

- Dear Kat,

- It's been a while since I last wrote in my Diary. I'm still in the mental hospital, I guess I'll write about some of my experiences here.

- Three days ago something strange happened to me, this fucking guy who works here just kept pushing me to go back to gym after I walked away because I couldn't stand the interns and their judgemental additude (besides who the fuck would force an Anorexic to go to gym anyway????). So Lars (the staff guy) eventually just started talking shit about me and I just kept trying to explain that I'm feeling way too weak to even stand let alone excersize but he just wouldn't have it. He kept talking about how nice the interns here were to set up a whole 'fun' gym session and that I was being a little bitch by not participating because the interns worked so hard. I fucking hate him he he just kept pushing and pushing... Eventually even saying things like "you're doing this all for attention aren't you?", like I'm only in here to have a good time. I wanted to scream but instead I froze and was unable to speak or move or do anything I just collapsed against the wall in front of the ward and sat there for about thirty minutes completely frozen until... I don't remember. What happened during those 30 minutes? I think I just blocked everything out.

- I remember Lars eventually bringing in more staff to help me get back up again after he was done saying some stuff about how I should "stop faking these things". Then, after numerous attempts to force me to walk, getting picked up by three guys who brought me back to my room where I was able to snap out of it. It felt like I was outside of my head just watching myself and the people around me. I've never experienced something like this before.

- After that whole ordeal I went to go take a shower and I brought a razor from my pencil sharpener which I had hidden under the sole of shoe. I don't know why I even bothered hiding it the staff really don't care about people self-harming as long as you don't kill yourself under their watch but it's not like they ever check my room or anything. It felt good.

- I'm still getting thinner, I had a major slip up once I think it was around my fifth day in here? It's hard to remember... There's this one really nice staff member her name is Karen she's middle-aged around 40-ish I think? Anyway she made me feel, only for a couple of minutes, like it was alright to eat and that I might even get my normal life back if I just started eating again... so I ate a shit ton of pasta which I regretted instantly after. It's such a slippery slope eating anything because it's so hard to stop once you begin. I don't have a scale here so I can't weigh myself right now. I'm trying my best to make it seem like I'm still eating something in front of the staff so they don't take any drastic measures.

- It's harder to hide my Anorexia when I'm supposed to eat every meal under supervision. Fortunetely for me there's other patients in here to distract the staff so I'm able to quickly stuff my pockets with food. I still eat a little at every meal but try to keep my daily calory intake below 400. I write down everything I've consumed along with the aproximate calorie intake in my notes app so I won't forget. My memory used to be so good... Right now it's just very fuzzy most of the time so I really need to write stuff like that down to remember it. I guess that's why I started writing a Diary again in the first place.

- I can't think of anything else to write about right now. I feel exhausted, I'm gonna go lay down and watch Supersize VS Superskinny as my daily dose of enabalism...█

<< /:Date:_7-01-2019//:10:03P.M. ◦ >>

- Dear Kat,

- This is my first entry in this digital journal or diary or whatever you wanna call it. I've tried writing in a physical diary before only to end up burning it because my father found out about it. It feels better to have these words locked behind a password on my computer.

- To start,

-> My name is Rowan.
-> I am currently 15 years old.
-> I am 5,6 feet tall.
-> And I weigh exactly 42,39KG.

- The reason I weigh so little is because I haven't eaten anything in 2 weeks, well I did eat the occasional rice cracker and some 0% fat yoghurt but that was more out of fear of dying from starvation rather than to actually give into my hunger. Why you may ask? It was for attention at first to be brutally honest, I just wanted people to notice that I'm not doing okay at all and needed help since telling people that doesn't seem to amount to anything apparantely. I've been trying to rapidly lose weight for a while now but in these last two weeks I've lost about 6kg which is alright, still wish it was more but at least I'm not gaining any.

- Like I said before, I started doing this as a cry for help but as of late it has become something I'm unable to control. As I look at my body now all I see is fat and how I could be much thinner. It's become an obsession.

- I am currently in a mental hospital where they've threatened to feed me through tubes in my nose but nothing came of it as of now. I've been here for 2 days, it was part of my initial plan as a cry for help to be admitted here so at least I've accomplished that. It's a lot different from what I expected. The people here seem normal, I probably look like the only freak in here with my washed out blue hair dye which just looks gray-ish green now, I got a chance to talk to two of the other girls here a bit earlier (More of just me answering their questions bc I was too shy to actually talk.) and they seem really nice. I wish I had someone to talk to about music or something, the only person who came close to having the same taste in music was my ex.

- I had known her for like 2 years before we became a couple. Around september of last year I posted a story on my Instagram asking if I should dye my hair and she offered to do it together. I felt so excited because I had a crush on her for like a year. I switched schools last summer so we kinda grew apart until she offered to dye our hair together. Anyway of course I said yes so one day after school we met up on our bikes and went to her house. It was my first time dyeing someone's hair so it didn't go that well but it was fun. We met up a lot more after that and eventually just started calling it dates. I remember sitting on her bed and watching American Horror Story when she reached for my hand I felt this big surge going through me I had never experienced emotions on this level before and from that moment on I knew I was in love with her.

- It's hard to write this now because I'm still not over the fact that we broke up 2 months ago. Ever since then I've been feeling empty, emptier than I've ever felt before. I've always been depressed and starting self harming at the age of 9 which increasingly worsened throughout the years. I even made plans to commit suicide about a month ago but obviously never went through with it because I don't really think I actually want to die but living is just so unbearable at the moment it's hard to think of anything else than cutting, starving or ending myself.

- I want to write more but it's already 10 P.M. and the staff will take away my laptop if I don't shut it down so I'll leave it at that for tonight. Maybe I'll write in here again tomorrow if I have the energy for that. I'm so tired...█